I’m trying to work out how much I like football. I’ve been watching an inordinate amount of it just lately. In fact, I’ve watched every match, except for the ones that were on while I’m at work- Oh and Switzerland v Ukraine. There’s being enthusiastic about football and then there’s being a glutton for monotony. I’ve been suitably entertained and diverted for a large portion of them. I have also been quite exasperatingly indifferent the rest of the time.

There are a number of elements to consider when reviewing what makes a match enjoyable for me:

1. The number of goals.
I like to make infuriating little squeaking noises when the ball gets within 30 yards of either goal.

2. The number of sendings-off.
Especially for dissent. I do like an altercation or two. Head butting, calling the other player’s/referee’s wife/mother/pet a whore. It’s all good.


3. The number of dives.
Not because I condone dishonest and fraudulent behaviour in any way at all, that would be unthinkable, but because we all like to hate Argentineans (football wise, I’m not a xenophobe) and let’s face it, it’s they’re the Lords of the dive. (Dive, dive, wherever you may be….) Being angry is fun.

4. The number of actual injuries.
Again, I don’t want to make it sound like I have a desire for Players to actually get hurt. Well, not too badly anyway, but it does make for good watching, The commentator’s remarks (see later) are always interesting at these points too.


5. The amount of gabble spouted by commentators and pundits alike.
Tell you what, I’ve written a lot of blog entries in my time but this just might be the best blog I’ve written about football in the history of blogging and the game, at the end of the day. It’s not all about original grammar and clichés. Some of it is just plain ridiculous. I turn your attention to the following site about one such individual who, although somewhat disgraced of late, stands out as a paradigm of language inventiveness.

http://dangerhere.com/ronglish/

I’ve been learning to speak football gibberish- observe:

“Well, he’s given it the little eyebrows full gun and it’s glanced off the second post and it’s gone straight in the back of the onion net, putting England up one nil, early doors. I’m telling you, they’re playing for fun!”


6. Whether Gary Lineker in presenting or the inferior blonde Gabby woman on ITV.
Gary Lineker, Alan Hanson, Alan Shearer and Ian Wright all sat in a row. What more could a girl, or a man, for that matter, wish for?

If we could come up with some sort of mathematical scoring system based on these elements, we could work out whether I will enjoy a match with almost pinpoint accuracy. What the reason for this would be is anyone’s guess but it is almost certainly fundamental for future of mankind. Of course, if England are playing it makes it exhilarating, whatever happens. So much so that I’ve been in danger of having to go upstairs and hide under the duvet until it’s all over. So, what do you think, do I like football or not? I know the offside rule, if that helps.