I am in hiding. I am also trying to simultaneously write my yr 7 reports so if I slip into “ Sam constantly distracts others and allows himself to be distracted…” you’ll know why. I am hiding because I am a prisoner in my own workplace. I’m having bad dreams because of it! Although, I do suspect that this, in point of fact, was due to the vast amounts of crap I consumed at the weekend: a bottle of Southern Comfort in under 4 hours, Pringles, parsnip crisps, mini savoury eggs, cocktail sausages, garlic mushrooms, Chinese finger food selection, potato skins, 3 types of cheese in salad starter and a carbonara sauce, a further 2 types of cheese and several tonnes of cream in a butterscotch and mascapone cake thing….. it goes on.

The reason for all this being, of course, because I had a party on Friday and dinner guests on Saturday. The results were mixed. My party was great fun; I drank whole of aforementioned contentment of the southern persuasion, we went on to town and don’t remember returning home. However, only 4 people turned up. It’s quality not quantity, I tells ya! Also, I feel some of the guests may have been disturbed by the amount of Star Wars memorabilia in the lounging area.

A good friend, who was once from back in sunny Colchester, came to visit. We dined on a spectacular (even if I do say so myself) meal created by me and the other half. The long-awaited guests in question brought a charming young creature by the name of Vinnie, who is, in truth, some sort of Jack Russell. I enjoy almost any pets immensely and even though my joint tenant dislikes canines and all their doggy kind, (“Help, help, he putting his filthy dog hands all over me!) the rest of us had great fun watching him get vexed and bally-ragged to within an inch of his life.

I am on a diet now. I’m drinking bottled water at school. This is mostly due to the bastard government banning fizzy drinks at schools, rather than an attempt at purifying my overwhelmed and poisoned body but there you go. Anyway, one last request before I go:

I demand that everybody comments! I’m going to send an email and texts saying so! It is so hard to stay in touch with everyone without a chatting function and this is nearly the same thing- just delayed a bit. Get to it, I say!